you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
