Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
