Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
