I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
