I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
