White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
