I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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