I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
