I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
