Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
