probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
