You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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