New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
