I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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