Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
