i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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