3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
