I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
