Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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