We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
