I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
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I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
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Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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