Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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