That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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