tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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