i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
