We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
