Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
