Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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