Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
