My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
