I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
