The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
