True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
