I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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