Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Randomize
