The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
