Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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