that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
