if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
