Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Pooping to opera.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
