so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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