shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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