He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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