She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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