i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
