I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
