I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize