I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
