1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Even my vagina gasped.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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