nut hugger
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
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