There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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