I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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