I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
