she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
