Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
