Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
