Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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