OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
